As I go through my mom’s possessions following her death in July, I continue to find some hidden gems. A few weeks ago I shared a letter she had written about my brothers and me. Recently, behind a photograph I was in the process of hanging up, I found another letter securely taped. The photo was of my mom and dad having dinner in New York City the day he arrived back home when WWII ended. He had been on the beaches of Normandy, in the Battle of the Bulge, and other places of bravery and horror.
When my mom wrote the following letter, she was 20 years old, he 23, and my parents had been married around 6 months. I know she would not mind me sharing excerpts from this letter as I believe her words have much to offer. Remember, when she wrote this letter, she did not know whether she would see my dad again because of the war. Here are the excerpts…
Dearest Peter. This is not a goodby note. This is an I love you note. In it, I want to tell you something I learned today. Love is as sacred as two people make it. It is beautiful only as they allow it to be beautiful. It is as God-like as they wish it. The word love is often misused and hence the world in general gets a very rough and uncouth idea of what it is.
Love is the unselfish gift of one person’s self to another. Unselfish is the important part of love. Only unselfish love can be complete and permanent. Neither you nor I yet has completely unselfish love for each other. Do not be shocked for I don’t believe that we will attain it on this earth or even until we reach the culmination – the merging of our souls with God. But in our desire and striving for it we lift ourselves above ordinary love.
Through my mother’s words of so long ago, I am reminded of what one person in our own era says. “Hate is not the opposite of love, selfishness is.” Indeed, selflessness is at the heart of what love is all about, something Jesus clearly understood and lived by.
My mom’s words are not only invaluable for loving couples to ponder and act upon, but they are words useful to all of us whether in a relationship or not. To be selfless is to follow the footsteps of Jesus and to be selfless is how to relate to those we encounter day by day.
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Paul wrote these words to the people living in an area called Galatia long ago. His words really are quite extraordinary if you think about the culture at the time in which women had few if any rights. I have never understood patriarchal societies, inequality of any kind between the sexes, nor limiting the roles that men and women can have.
I am who I am because of the women in my life. Women have shaped who I have become in every area of my life. I have been blessed not only by an extraordinary wife and daughters and of course a son, but I have been taught and mentored by astonishing women over the years. This in part, is why I have always loved the Book of Esther. What a hero she was.
Esther’s story is about a woman, a woman of courage, guts, and doing the right thing even when the consequences of doing so could have been catastrophic. But in addition to Esther, there are so many stories of amazing courageous women throughout scripture, so astonishing in fact it is unbelievable that any church got started without having women at the top of leadership. Many of the greatest leaders, passionate faith followers, and engagers of bold action in the Bible were women.
Take the Samaritan woman at a well in John’s Gospel. She was a foreigner and part of a despised religion. And yet, she does not run from a man named Jesus. Instead she engages him, questions him, and takes the news of who he is to disparaging men. Take Deborah, an amazing leader at a critical time who was instrumental in military victories that freed the people of Israel. Take Hannah who boldly prayed to God over and over again and dedicated her son to God’s service.
Take Abigail whose husband nastily rejected a request from King David. It was Abigail who intervened in the situation with tremendous courage and insight that kept David from murderous revenge. Take Mary, the mother of Jesus, who praised God in spite of the surface odds against her. Take Ruth who put commitment and integrity ahead of her personal interests. Take Mahlah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah who went to Moses over a land distribution issue. Their actions expanded the rights of women when such actions were unheard of. And the list goes on and on and on.
I share these stories because I believe we have a long way to go in our country when it comes, not only to eliminating discrimination based on gender, including within many communities of faith, but that men in particular need to continue working on speaking less and listening more.
Not long ago I joined the Board of Response, the organization whose purpose is to support, educate and empower survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. Tragically such issues are rampant in the Roaring Fork Valley. I believe we are compelled by our walk with Jesus to respond and confront these issues head on.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month Quoting from Response, “The purpose of DVAM month is mourn those who have died because of domestic violence, celebrate those who have survived and to engage communities with those who work to end domestic abuse. Domestic Violence – or Intimate Partner Violence – is a pattern of abusive behaviors including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks as well as economic coercion that are used by one intimate partner against another to gain or maintain power and control in a relationship. Batterers use a range of tactics to frighten, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, blame and often injure and sometimes kill a current or former intimate partner.”
Eighty-five percent of victims are women and 1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetimes. It is also important to point out that men too suffer from inexcusable rates of domestic violence.
All of us are called, I believe, as people of faith, to celebrate and uphold women in our lives as fully equal partners, and work to model listening more than speaking and then acting upon what we hear from those who have suffered in a culture that often turns the other way in disbelief.
Shortly after my mom died at age 95 in July, my wife Regina found the following letter in my mother’s desk drawer. Her letter is a brief reflection on her three sons, one of whom is gay. While there is much within the letter, at its core, it reflects not only who my mom was, but the essence of Matthew 22: 36-40. I love my brothers and I love and miss my mom.
Written some time ago by Mardee de Wetter:
“On this small earth, we equally receive the love of God. But as the world sees, we are differently disposed. Some of us have lived the simplest sort of lives, cradled from the beginning by loving parents, growing up in ways that pleased. We had the opportunity to meet and fall in love with God’s own choice for us. We spent our lives in chosen fidelity and in constant love for one another.
When children were born to us, one grew up worldly-wise and made his way, living by prescribed civic rules, honored because of his many contributions and loved by his wonderful wife and children. One was born with great sensitivity and spiritual gifts with which to become a pastor, a preacher of unique ability. He too had the great love of his wife and children. Then among the three sons one was born with a difference, though his talent and intellect told us at once he was gifted.
This special one, the creative child, found his rather lonely place among those who compose the music, play the instruments, paint the art, and pen the books. He learned to fend for himself in a world so hostile that those of us who live in pristine elegance of spirit never know their pain.
Every once in a while God looks down and selects a family, so sublimely blessed with understanding that He says, ‘Ah, here are those that will welcome this child of mine and learn of him and love him. They will always cherish him as my own child, vouchsafed to them. He, in turn, will open doors for all of them as many lives are better for his touch.’
Does it matter then that the self-righteous Pharisees offer him condemnation? Does it matter that the church which nurtured him through childhood now renounces him? Does it matter that he who served his church in its choir, as an acolyte, as a vestryman now finds rejection? It must not matter, because in the end this is God’s world and Jesus takes each one of us unto his breast and comforts us. Our family, learning through its pain, has found that all God’s people are intended to share His Rule of Love, as Jesus, our persecuted Savior, taught the Way.”
Claire Wineland had a national social media following and it is no wonder given her character, strength and wisdom. She died this last week following a 21 year long struggle with Cystic Fibrosis. I never had the blessing or opportunity to meet her, but I wish I had. Near the end of her life, Claire, as quoted on CNN, said, “Go enjoy your life. Really. I mean that seriously. Go enjoy it because there are people fighting like hell for it.”
These are powerful words worth not only reflection, but incorporation. For a number of years I had the privilege of working in oncology with both staff and patients when I was a psychologist. So many of those I worked with, in essence, said the same thing Claire Wineland did as she neared the end of her life.
Enjoying life is not a self-centered, egocentric, narcissistic stance. Rather it is an approach to day to day living that is based on a heart of gratitude. I believe if more of us woke each morning with gratitude and began our days with such intention, we would find our culture to be vastly different than what we are experiencing now.
Fighting, caustic commentary, negativity, hostility, division, hatred, and quick reactivity is not reflective of people who are living from a place of gratitude. Yes we can have passions and convictions, but who said we need to be so ugly about it all. I believe gratitude, while not a panacea, would address much that ails what has been happening in the country.
Gratitude is not a denial of what is wrong. Gratitude is not about sticking our heads in the sand. Gratitude is not about inaction. Rather gratitude enables us to face difficult and complex problems from a vastly different place in our hearts and minds. Gratitude can be a common ground from which we approach each day with an expectation for positive change, listening, empathy, and respect.
And let us all remember that our walk with Jesus is all about gratitude whether we work as a server, in business, at a school, or even if we work in Washington at whatever level. From beginning to end, scripture is filled with stories of gratitude and what happens when gratitude is lost and replaced by much of what we see happening in our nation today.
I invite you to join me in spending some time thinking about Claire’s words. “Go enjoy your life. Really. I mean that seriously. Go enjoy it because there are people fighting like hell for it.” Ponder how such a stance might lead us to gratitude and how gratitude could change everything in our own lives and those around us.
The video reviewed some recent data on something known as digital dementia. As the speaker on the video simply states, “Smartphones make us stupid.” When we depend on smartphones we tend to use our brains less.
Examples were given such as the fact we memorize fewer phone numbers, we let the phone do simple math for us, and we rely on the phones to keep obvious and regular appointments, etc. In other words, just as muscle atrophy happens when we do not exercise, when we stop using our brains as much because of smartphones, our brains may very well degrade.
All of this worries me with regard to children, teens, and adults, and raises big concerns about me because of my smartphone use.
As the video finished, however, something equally if not more troubling came to mind. Our relationship with God requires quiet, down time, making room for few distractions, and turning computers off or at least walking away from them. When we have a smartphone in hand and it inhibits us from truly focusing on the person in front of us, if we keep smartphones in hand when communicating and listening to God, does it not also diminish our focus on God?
Also, when someone reads a text or email or tweet we send along, the person receiving the message only has the opportunity to respond and react to words. Words in isolation do not represent a whole way of communicating with a person in any way shape or form. This is why e-mails often get people into trouble because words alone can be misinterpreted.
We are all much better off communicating directly with people. And if this is the case, if our brains are affected by smartphones, are we then, therefore, not more likely to be relating to God in a diminished way because smartphones train us to focus on words alone. When God communicates with us, God uses many modes of communication, not just words alone.
I believe God is calling me to make some changes in response to all of this, changes that are not easy to make because so many of us, including me, are addicted to technology and smartphones. That said, I realize if I don’t make some changes, my relationship with God will be affected in an unhealthy way. I invite all of us to examine and pray about where we are with this whole issue and to take some time with God, and to ask God what God would have addressed. If we do so, I believe we will find our journey with God to suddenly become far deeper and more transformative.
On Tuesday, July 3rd, at 6:30 PM, I was at Snowmass Chapel preparing for my Gospel Choir Rehearsal when I received a call from one of our housemates: “There is a fire. We are being evacuated. What can I grab for you?”
As many of you know, my mom, Margaret Belding de Wetter, died July 11 after 95 years of living, 94 of which were wonderful. The last year of her life was tough on everyone as she slowly degraded in mind and body. She spent many arduous hours lying in bed, unable to do anything as her body shut down. I have grieved much in my life, but losing a mother is different. A friend of mine said, “When I lost my mom, it felt as if the world shifted.”
I, along with many are so grateful and thankful to God for my mom’s life. We are grateful she lived the life she did and we feel the same way about my dad who died 19 years ago. My brothers and I along with our families are so blessed we had the parents we did. That said, in the midst of gratitude, celebrating her life, being thankful her rough journey at the end is over, I for one am experiencing a litany of feelings, including deep sadness in the midst of the joy I have for her life.
I’ve recognized for many years that when life is full and then ends, it is not tragic. That said, the journey in grief we each take is unique. When families lose someone, I pray that members of the family will give each other the room and space to grieve in various ways and that the journey in grief for each will be honored by all. My family certainly has been doing exactly this. For me, our faith invites each of us to allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions God has given to us, whatever those feelings might be.
In the midst of everything, this last week I have been reminded once again about the heart and spirit of the Chapel. Thank you for being so incredibly loving, kind and supportive. Regina and I have felt so loved and cared for since we arrived 9 years ago. Thank you. We are grateful!!! Thank you for showing us what it means to walk the talk as we all follow Jesus.
One of the great gifts of summer in this valley is the visitors! People seem to come out of the woodwork to spend time in this glorious place. Case in point – my cousin and his family came through last week as part of a family road trip of western national parks.
With his many successes, flourishing family and big physical presence, my cousin could seem intimidating to some. BUT, as so often happens in families, when I am with him I am instantly transported back to childhood summers on our grandfather’s farm. Together, we swung on the creaking porch swing, jumped off piles of hay bales, played Pick-Up-Stiks on the front porch and yes, we memorized Bible verses together. It was the simple stuff of Norman Rockwell and it built an enduring bond of love between us. In his company, I felt at home, known and comforted by that familiarity. It occurred to me: this is how God sees me and every one of us – as our undefended, true selves – not as we may sometimes present ourselves to the world. What a loving and healing gift to be known and accepted for who we really are!
If it can be healing to be with someone who has known us for a few decades, can you imagine the healing power of our relationship with God who knows and has known us for eternity? Wow! Jeremiah 1:5A comes to mind – “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you…” And, in Luke 12:7 Jesus says, amazingly, “The hairs on your head are counted.” What incredible intimacy those verses imply! Can we really even fathom being known in such detail and forever?
Science has repeatedly shown that loneliness is detrimental to our health and longevity. (Click on this link for more about Dr. Cacioppo’s research on this subject.) We are wired to thrive on connection – knowing each other and being known makes us healthy, mentally and physically. No wonder Jesus, the embodiment of God, healed by his very presence. He knows not only our changeable personality and circumstances but our eternal soul. And He loves that soul. Profoundly. Just because we are of God.
But wait a minute… that can also be a scary thing – to be known so thoroughly. Some may even be afraid of God for that reason – if God really knows me surely he would reject me, the thinking goes. But this is God, the father of the prodigal son. This is Jesus, who said quite directly, “I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world.” (John 12:47)
As we make our way through the ups and downs, the apparent gains and losses of this life, it is comforting and therefore healing to keep in mind that our eternal soul is always known and profoundly loved. This intimate, loving relationship with God is our eternal, safe home. It will outlast and, ultimately, heal everything.
Summer is here and the flowers on the hillsides of Aspen and Snowmass are in full bloom.
Last week the kids and I trekked a sweet path behind Clark’s market. We stumbled upon a wooden staircase that was surrounded by purple and yellow flowers. We made it to the top and once we got past the dusty peak, we descended onto a trail encased by bushes and shrubs. Every once in a while the dense folliage opened up to small meadows of vibrant flowers that seemed to be doused with fluttering butterflies.
How many butterflies could we count? We couldn’t, there were so many!
Grandma told the kids that some people think of butterflies as special spirits who are with us. They liked this concept and continued our hike in awe of the wonders of our earth and mesmerized by the thought of the spirits beyond.
The very next day a butterfly kit we had ordered from Amazon arrived in the mail. A netted cage was included along with a small container of live caterpillars that were no bigger than the width of my pinky nail. The caterpillars seemed lethargic after their bumpy ride to our home. We weren’t sure they were going to survive. But slowly, as they gobbled up the muck at the bottom of their container, which looked like peanut butter but much less appetizing, the caterpillars began to grow. Each day they doubled in size. In their tiny plastic container they crawled around and ate and ate and after 7 days, one by one, they climbed to the lid of their habitat. We watched as, little caterpillar foot by little caterpillar foot, each one slowly released their grasp until their world was turned upside down and they were just barely hanging on. Currently they are chrysalises, attached and asleep. Our family waits in anticipation for the beauty we expect to emerge at the end of this cycle.
I just love the deeply simple metaphors that nature gifts us. Here are the profound spiritual truths that these tiny creatures are teaching our family as we watch a transformation take place:
- Baby caterpillars (at least these ones) start off kinda ugly.
- You have-ta start somewhere, and that might mean crawling around in the muck for a while.
- You need to feed yourself to grow.
- As you grow, you’ll climb to new hieghts.
- To be transformed, you have to be willing to let go, little foot by little foot.
- Once you let go, your world will be turned upside down.
- Those watching the transformation take place will be awe-struck and inspired. It is very cool to witness!
- When you emerge from the transformation process, you’ll be more beautiful than you ever thought possible.
- Once you have your wings, you’ll see the world with a whole new perspective.
- True freedom comes only after all these other steps are complete.
I am just as in awe as my little children watching this whole cycle unfold. But, the truth is, if we look close these kinds of transformations are happening all around us in the human world too!
Have you ever watched a caterpillar go through it’s process? What stage do you find yourself in right this minute? What areas of your life would you like to see transformed? Do you believe God has a plan for you, to make you STUNNING, AWE-INSPIRING, and NEW? Do you think the caterpillar ever mistake its stages and think that it is in its final stage, when it is actually just entering another transformation?
Just some food for thought, and I hope it tastes better than the sticky goo those caterpillars are eating. :o)
It may only be June 14 but we are happily ensconced in summertime around here! I finally spotted the elusive Snowmass Village moose and her babies last night – what a treat to see them galloping across the greens on their way to the golf course pond.
A few familiar faces have already arrived in Snowmass for the summer and were somewhat surprised by our beautiful June weather – not the usual cool with bouts of rain, but rather temps in the 80’s, a rainbow of wild flowers, and abundant blue skies.
If you are reading this from parts unknown, we look forward to welcoming you back to Snowmass Chapel soon! Your mountains are calling….
Camp SMashBox began this week and with it the joyful shouts and songs of kids (human ice cream sundaes, anyone?). This is our 7th season of Camp SMashBox at Snowmass Chapel and this summer we will welcome 400+ young campers throughout the five weeks of camp. And – this is HUGE – our very own Jenna (who started with us as a high school counselor 7 years ago) is opening a Camp SMashBox in Grand Junction in July!
Truly, it’s hard not to appreciate the enthusiasm and natural joy that accompanies almost anything children do at SMashBox. We are blessed by the talents of Kara & Adam Gilbert who founded the camp while working here as youth leaders, and by the amazing college and high school crew who lead each day’s chaos. And while the kids think it’s all about play, at the heart of what they do is a desire to love kids and staff and to communicate, “You are special. You are valuable. You serve a purpose. You matter.”
Now if that isn’t a ministry based on Christ’s love, I don’t know what is.
I’ve been reading the wonderful little book, The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. He contends that the awesome love of God has been hidden from us by churches, parents, pastors and life itself, which would have us believe only in a God of holiness, justice and wrath, rather than in God’s furious love of us. He writes:
We must go into a desert of some kind (your backyard will do) and come to a personal experience of the awesome love of God. Then we will nod in knowing agreement with that gifted English mystic Julian of Norwich, “The greatest honor we can give Almighty God is to love gladly because of the knowledge of God’s love.”
So we have taken to the backyard here at Snowmass Chapel, and will mightily endeavor to give kids an experience of the awesome love of God. Served with a heaping pile of chocolate sauce. Which I think is just SMarvelous.